Reflections on a cold night

The temperature is 11.9 Celsius. I am very tempted to switch on the heater. But the unfortunate thing is that the heater in my house is centralized. I am given the choice of heating the whole house or heat nothing. It probably makes more sense to wear a few more layers.

I have settled down quite comfortably in Milpitas, California. It's a nice place to live in. Great weather. Great sunshine. I remember how it felt like when I first arrived. I was partly thrilled by the place because it was s something foreign and fazed by the place because I was not sure what to expect from it. I faintly recall the excitement that I felt when I found my apartment, when I got first car and when I got my first paycheck. In essence, it was the kind of things that you experience when you move into work life. I was fortunate to be able to experience them in advance.

But when the passion dies down and the monotoneity of working life sinks in, I can't help but to question myself what's the point of life. I have gained an awareness of the fact that I will be entering another phase of my life in probably two year's time. I know it will be like a rollercoster ride. Once it starts, it will be hard to get out. When I graduate, I'll most likely get a job, join the workforce and become a productive member of the society. After a short while, I'll probably get a car, financed by a car loan. With the car loan, I'll find a new motivation to work. A few years after , I'll probably purchase a house, financed by a house loan and form my own family. Then, I'll find more motivations to work. Soon after that, I'll have my children. More motivations. Soon after that, they'll need education. More motivations. Soon after that.... More motivations... Soon after that... More motivations.... until one day... death... or if I am lucky, retirement.... and then death. Here goes the life story of Mr Set Ying Ting. I know I am probably simplifying things here. I've heard people saying things about the joy of having kids, the joy of sharing your life with a partner, the satisfaction of becoming a homeowner, etc. I tend to think that a simple life is probably the most happy life. But I know there's something in me that strongly resists the temptation of such a life. A life without a meaningful cause? A life that is too typical? A life that fails to bring out the best in me? I can't really articulate the dissonance that is gently shaking the core of my soul. Not long ago, I declared to everyone in this blog that my life is a fire that burns. How boastful. How shameful. Now, my life seems more like a puddle of dead water than anything else.

At least, I am realizing that on a cold night like this. On a cold night like this, when my deepest and darkest feelings roar, when my soul's yearning for the salvation is stronger than ever, when my domesticated heart seeks to untame itself, when my suppressed mind revolts against its self-imposed chains, I feel I am inching closer to something. What's the thing? That's a very good question. Please make a guess.